not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
