i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
