We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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