Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
