So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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