She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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