some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
