When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
