working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
