I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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