Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
