Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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