Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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