I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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