These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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