Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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