I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
two words: eviction party
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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