Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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