even my farts smell like vagina
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
