My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
