I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
