If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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