my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
