I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
