You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
