I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
