im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
