if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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