if you like me you must not know who I am
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
