I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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