my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
