Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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