I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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