my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We left the knife in your bed.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am one with the molecules
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
