she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
