Already got asked if we're dating
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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