The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she smelled like a LAN party
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
