The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
