The best revenge is premature balding
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
