Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
im calling her cock vulture from now on
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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