I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
