Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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