Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You are the jesus of drinking
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
