Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
