She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
