She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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