Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
false alarm, still single
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
