One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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