Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
