Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
