respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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