My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize