just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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