and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
