I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
